October is my heart.

*This is very long, I'm sorry loves.

It's finally October and I can not express how excited I am. This is my favorite time of the year. Do you ever have those moments when you smell something and it just takes you to a feeling? It doesn't remind you of one thing specifically it's almost like your whole mood changes. This happens to me a lot throughout the year when I smell anything pumpkin or pine. Most of my memories of smell come from the fall and winter.  Anytime in the year I smell those things I instantly go to how I feel in those seasons; and I'm just calm. 

October is by far my favorite month. I'm not a huge believer in reading my zodiac every day, but I can tell you I think I was meant to be born in October.  I'm not sure if  you can really use a month as a descriptive quality of yourself, but I do. This month describes me and who I am so well.  If you really know me you know that I'm very quite and very private about most things in my life. I like walking around all alone with my headphones in my ears just feeling the wind. I wear layers and long sleeves all year long. I like to cuddle up by a fire and just read in my sweats until it gets dark at seven in the evening. It's almost like I'm most myself in the Fall. 

My favorite movie of all time is the Nightmare Before Christmas. Which is why when my dad said I would be in Disneyland while all the Halloween decorations were out, I almost cried. I might buy way more Jack Skelington accessories than necessary. While I'm in the park we have the opportunity to stay after hours and go trick or treating. You guys, trick or treating inside Disneyland. My heart is going to explode. 

Since the year I was born I have gone trick or treating every year except one. I'm almost twenty-two years old and I only missed trick or treating the year I turned 20, and only because I was living in the dorms and no one dared go with me and ask college kids for candy.  I have a strange love for Halloween. Sometimes I think it comes a little too close to taking over my love of Christmas.  My mom and I tend to go very overboard when it comes to decorating; I think I get my love of the holiday from her. This year we went to the HOLY COW boutique in Pleasant Grove. I wish I had taken pictures of all the cute decorations we got, I was in my happy place for sure. If you've never been you need to go. Our favorite part might be the smell of the cinnamon rolls through the entire building. I die. Every time my mom and I share a pizza twist and a cinnamon roll. I highly recommend going. The next one is the week before Thanksgiving, and it will be all Christmas themed. 

Speaking of me turning twenty-two; I'm getting old. I know this because I am slowly starting to put everything in my name, and taking on my own responsibilities.  I'm moving into a new house without my family at the end of the year, and starting life on my own.  I know I'll always have them there for me, but this is my first real big step on my own.  Want to know one sure way to tell you are getting older? Birthdays mean less and less about getting clothes and more about asking for gift cards to grocery stores and new pots and pans.  They become less about spending the day with your friends, and more about the time you get with your family.  They become less about wanting to grow up faster and faster, and more about being with your grandparents.  You forget when you are younger that every year you get older, they do too.  I'm thankful that each of my grandparents are still here with me. It is no secret that they are getting older and their time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter.  Here's to the many birthdays I hope to have with them here. 

 I joke with Alex all the time that I am behind by Utah County rules. Our inside joke is that we should be married and on baby number three by now.  October is also very special to me because it's the month Alex and I fell in love.  This year is our three year anniversary and I cannot believe how fast the time has flown. When I met him I was just an insecure freshman looking to make some new friends so far away from home.  Being with Alex has been such a blessing in my life.  I have never been more secure in my life.  He tells me at least once a day how much I should value myself. He reminds me constantly how beautiful I am, but also reminds me that he doesn't have to say to for it too be true.  I can't wait to see what we have ahead of us.  

Long story short, I'm excited for this month. It will be quite the adventure. 

And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself get a better mirror,

look a little closer, or stare a little longer.

The Mirror.

This next post is going to be very personal, and because of that I really hope it doesn't cause any of you to look at me any differently. With that said, here we go. 

Lately every time I look in the mirror I see something new about myself that I really do not care for. I think my arms are fat, the fact that my legs touch even just a little makes me want to never eat again, and lets not even talk about the fact that I feel like I look pregnant with twins when I get out of the shower. I'm not really sure when I started feeling so insecure about my body, but I know that it's never gotten easier to ignore all the little imperfections.

When I was in Jr. High I was probably at my most insecure. So many girls around me looked so gorgeous all the time and I felt like there was no way I could ever keep up. There was also a lot going on at home at this time and I just felt like my whole world was a mess. I was such a Tom Boy for so many of my younger years that I wasn't even sure how to be a girly girl. I decided that I might be happier if I was a little thinner, so day by day I started to eat less and less. I would literally go days with only having a few snacks. Maybe a granola bar or some string cheese. Then there were the days that I would only have water and zero calorie drink mix.  Needless to say I did start loosing weight. Then there were days where I would just eat a little of my dinner and tell my mom I had eaten before, or I would eat an entire meal and feel so guilty about it the rest of the night. I felt so disappointed in myself for eating. I can remember one specific time in ninth grade where I stepped on the scale over and over in the locker room in shock that I had somehow gone from 89lbs to 90lbs. I literally went home and cried about how fat I felt. My geometery teacher would always tell me I looked skinnier everyday, and that I was wasting away. Comments like that made me feel so good about myself.  One girl in that same class mentioned to me after our lesson that she didn't think I was that skinny, and I couldn't stop playing it over and over in my head.

One night my parents sat me down on our couch and told me that a few individuals had come forward and mentioned that they were worried about my eating habits. They  wouldn't actually tell me how many. To this day I have no idea who those people were. I would like to take a moment to say thank you. I truly believe that this person or these people really did love and care about me as a person. I can only imagine how sick I could have been if they had not said something to my parents. For all I know they may have really saved my life. So, whoever you are, I hope you know that I am so grateful for you. If I ever got the chance to know who you were I would probably just hold you and cry for a few minutes. You have no idea how much you changed my life for the better. You are a hero. I'm sure you have a much larger purpose in life than helping me fight that battle, but to me you may have been the only reason I could.

My parents sat with me for hours and I refused to admit to anything they had heard. When they realized I was not going to listen my dad told me that there were people who loved me at school that were going to be watching me, and that they would be watching me at home. After that I slowly started eating little by little until by the time I was in high school I was eating without a thought of what it would do to my body. It's weird to look back at this time and realize that I had an eating disorder. Calling it an eating disorder just makes it seem so much more real to me, and until now I have never once referred to it as that to an other person. 

With all that history behind me I am so happy to know that I am not in a place like that with my body now. I'm so thankful for wonderful parents who took the time to sit down and talk with me even when there was so much going on, and made sure I was healthy even when I believed I didn't need them. I'm thankful for a stranger, or friend who spoke up to protect me from myself, and my have saved me from years and years of harming myself. I am so thankful for siblings that love me regardless of what I look like. I am thankful for friends who let me go to them when I feel  like my world is getting to be a little to crazy and out of control. I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who tells me every single day that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and looks at me with the sweetest eyes so I can almost feel him say it. I am so thankful for a heavenly father who was there for me when I was to blind to see I was worth this chance at life.

 Yes I hate the little bumps and lumps, the extra fat that came when I got hips, and the little double chin I see sometimes, but I'm so far from where I once was.  I know that being 5' 6'' and 124lbs does not make me an obese whale.  I know that having some body fat is normal, and that being 19% body fat is normal for a girl. I'm trying the best I can to try and keep myself healthy. I have made a new plan to eat small portions of my favorite foods and to stay more active. I know I may never love the way my body looks, but I know staying healthy about my goals will allow me to feel so much more accomplished at the end of the day. 

Away.

There are days where I wish I could jump on a plane and fly to a random town in a random state, and just wander around the city. I'd sit down in a coffee shop and just sit listening to my ipod and looking out the window. I'd just sit and not bother anyone and no one would come up to me and I could just sit, for maybe and hour and think about everything going on in my life. I'd get up, leave and walk around the city again.Then maybe after enough exploring I could maybe run into someone on accident, and just talk about where we were from. 

Honestly, I wish I could sit down with a stranger and talk to them and tell them every single thing going on in my head. How I feel about things in my life,  how I don't know what to do in some situations,  if I should give up on some dreams, and really just sort through my thoughts with another person out loud without them knowing anything about my life. It sounds so nice to be able to vent and unload on someone who knows nothing about you. They have no mutual friends to go tell. They would not know anyone from my stories to have a biased opinion. They'd live nowhere near me to run into on the street. They'd just be a stranger  I met for the day that I poured my heart and soul out too, and then after I could walk away. I could get on a plane and never see them again, but they'd have helped me work through more than they know. 

My mind is just all over the place lately, and I need to talk it out.

Paper Planes

Remember in my first post when I talked about how I was afraid of  everything?

Well, flying is on that list. When my parents talked about us going to Vegas they decided that flying would be more fun, and we wouldn't have to deal with anyone getting car sick on the long drive (okay, so really only I get car sick, but my parents are gems). 

I am on a plane at least once a year and you'd think I would get used to it by now right? I don't know what it is about it, but I just get really nervous every single flight. Here are a few things that go through my head:

-There is going to be a terrorist on this plane and I am going to blow up.

-I'm really glad that I was such a Lost fan so I know how to survive. 

-Wait, everyone in Lost was dead. I am going to die.

-I should probably text my final goodbyes to all my loved ones.

-Text siblings and say I love them, also tell them to tell Rudy the dog.

-Tell mom, dad, and Alex how much I love them without making them panic about our impending doom. 

-Maybe I should have made a will.

-How often does landing gear fail?

-Are my odds of survival greater in the middle seat?

Every take off I close my eyes, grip my arm rests, and breathe as deep as I can. I refuse to leave this position until we have reached our altitude. Then what happens? I am totally fine. Giggling, laughing, not even wondering how long it will take us to hit the ground. When I'm actually in the air I feel like a champion and I wonder why I was so nervous in the first place. And then...turbulence. Instantly I go back to assuming the plane is going down and we are all going to die. In my head I start screaming, "THIS IS THE END!" I hate that feeling in your stomach when you drop suddenly in altitude. After those moments of terror I am good again, until we start to land. I mean hello, we are basically doing a controlled plane crash every time. So I assume the same position as take off and open my eyes when I am on the ground alive, thanking God that I did not die on my flight. 

I think I may have made some minor progress on this last flight to Vegas though. I am wondering how I will ever fly without Alex ever again. He loves flying, this is one of those thank goodness moments in our relationship. Why? He knows exactly how to calm me down when I get worked up or stressed out. The flight was a BREEZE! He just talked to me the whole time and let me hold his hand if there were bumps. If there were multiple bumps in a row he would have me lay on his shoulder and he'd kiss my forehead. I got a good one you guys. 

Maybe one day I can not be so crazy about so many things and just learn to relax, but flying is going to take a few more trips. 

Viva.

Hello, it's been awhile, I know. I'm working on it, I am so sorry.

 Can I just start off by saying my parents are the sweetest people in the world? They decided since I had been 21 for a few months and Alex turned 21 in May, that they wanted to take us for our first time in Vegas as legal adults! The sweetest. We stayed for three days at Planet Hollywood just living it up in the sun, sipping some delicious virgin piña coladas by the pool, stuffing our faces, shopping, lots and lots of walking, and attempting to gamble. Everyone came back ahead, and my mom and I had a seriously hilarious bonding moment.

My mom loves to gamble, but she gets so sad about loosing. The first few minutes we had been in the hotel she wanted to play her favorite game, Wheel of Fortune. Off we went to find the machine, and she played for a few minutes. She lost the 20$ she had put in and wanted to walk around. As we walked around I saw the weirdest game that had ducks all over it. It looked easy so I sat down and put in five dollars. I hit the button once and BAM. I want 11$. A few hours later when Alex sat down at his first machine he won 40$! We beginners were on a roll, and my mom was having no luck at all. On our second day we took a trip over to the Rio to see the World Series of Poker, obviously the boys choice.  My mom and I went to look at the machines and left the boys to hang out.  My mom played a machine, and lost. She played another machine, and lost. Then I sat down at Hangover themed machine, put in five dollars, and won 15. My mom seeing that the game was actually interactive and fun wanted to play, however the machine would not take her twenty. After a coupe attempts I told my mom that if she tried one more time and it didn't go in, then the gambling gods did not want her to play that machine. She put it in and out it came so we moved on. She saw a penny machine called The Blazing Sevens and decided to sit down. She put in a twenty and started playing. The machine made no sense at all. She would get the most random compinations that would give her bonuses, but then the bonus wouldn't pay. I expected her to loose it all again to be honest, so I started texting my dad and Alex to see where they were. All of the sudden my mom said my name in a voice that made her sound like she was very scared. I looked up at her and she was just staring at the machine with her mouth open. She very calmly said, "I think I just won 400 dollars." I did not believe her and I was trying to tell her that she must have been confused. I looked at the total and sure enough she had won just about 40,000 pennies; 400 dollars.  I was in shock. All of the sudden we both started crying, and she cashed out. When we walked over to get her cash she seriously almost fainted. It was the cutest thing ever watching her get so excited that she'd finally won, and that much money!

My favorite part of the trip? The Mandalay Bay Aquarium. Seriously. It is a must. For those of you that do not know I have a serious love for aquatic animals; sharks are my absolute favorite. When I was in Jr. High my parents let me and my older brother dive with sharks in a cage. I died, I was so happy! So, naturally I needed to see the sharks. It was the cutest thing ever. I took way too many pictures and I'm sure I looked like the biggest freak ever. I was honestly more excited than some of the little children. My parents and Alex were dying over how excited I was. If they had let me swim in the tank I probably would have. Next time I am going to have to! 

It was such a much needed mini vacation and I loved every second of it. I just want to go back right now! I'm so thankful for such amazing and hilarious parents that are so willing to do random fun things with me. Seriously, so grateful for Gary and Maria!

Well, here I am again; attempt number three at blogging in words rather than Tumblr images. I warn you now, I am not very good at this.  Before I get into any serious blogging I decided I'd make a list of things you should probably know about me, or my life will make no sense at all to you; enjoy!

- If at any point I refer to a man named Alex, just remember he's my boyfriend. We have been together for over 2.5 years. That is basically a lifetime here in Utah County. And before you ask, no, it was not love at first sight. Yes I thought he was a babe, and yes he thought I was a catch, but it did not stay like that for long. For a brief period we hated each other.  I even put a hospital grade laxative in his apple pie once. Now, we are excited for what the future will bring us. Ironically enough he loves when I make him mini apple pies now, not without the horrible flashbacks I'm sure.

-I have one awesome dad. His name is Gary. He is the whitest Mexican you will ever meet. My mother's name is Maria, we call her Asian. She was born in Vietnam, but I promise she wasn't part of the Viet Cong. I owe my parents everything, especially since I was not the easiest of children in my teen years. My older brother Wesley is a gem. Once when I was in first grade he spent all of his recess trying to find a boy who was mean to me so he could yell at him. He would still do it today if anything happened to me.  Aaron is my baby brother. We didn't used to get along, but now he is seriously my best friend. We spend all our time just looking up stupid videos on youtube. The tiniest human is Paige. Now, she is at that age where I want to slap her all the time, but we definitely have our moments of sisterly love. I'd do anything for her.  At the very end we have Rudy. Now, we know he's a dog. We do, but he will always be part of the family. I mean, we hand feed him you guys. He's a king.

-I'm a nursing student. Literally nothing you tell me could gross me out. Guys, I've had every bodily fluid imaginable on me, and this is still what I want to do.  Right now I work as a PCT at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center and American Fork Hospital. I love it!  I'm trained to work on every unit which keeps me on my toes, and I see everything from gunshot head wounds to mono. If you're ever a patient, let me know and I promise to visit with goodies.

-I have a fear of just about everything. Literally. When I leave the house I think of how I could get kidnapped in different situations, what to do if there is a natural disaster that second, and I go through how to use the AED's at the store in case someone decides do have a heart attack in the middle of Walmart. I promise none of this is spoken out loud. I worry about going down stairs with people around. I imagine tripping or just full on falling to the bottom of the steps, so I just go VERY VERY slow. I'm sorry in advance. For a brief period the summer before 8th grade I carried bug repellant on my person at all times, I was NOT about to get West Nile Virus.  I know this makes me seem crazy, but I promise I am totally normal.

-I only drink water, some flavored teas, and juice. I threw up Mountain Dew when I was ten, and I just haven't been able to do soda again. 

-I am amazing at being unintentionally creepy. I usually like everyone's instas first. I will attempt to initiate conversations and act like your best friend after saying hi to you one time in a group of people I AM SO SORRY. I am just overly friendly and even more overly interested in being nice to everyone. So forgive me. 

-The littlest things can make me full on cry in public. It's not even sad things. When I get too happy, excited, surprised, or sad I cry. The Target scholarship commercial; tears. Babies that are really cute; tears. Old man alone; tears.  Seeing someone I haven't seen in a long time; tears. Weddings; tears. Cute slideshows;tears. It's really embarrassing but I can't help it!

That's really all I can think of at this moment, hopefully that gives you some insight into my day to day life!