Lately every time I look in the mirror I see something new about myself that I really do not care for. I think my arms are fat, the fact that my legs touch even just a little makes me want to never eat again, and lets not even talk about the fact that I feel like I look pregnant with twins when I get out of the shower. I'm not really sure when I started feeling so insecure about my body, but I know that it's never gotten easier to ignore all the little imperfections.
When I was in Jr. High I was probably at my most insecure. So many girls around me looked so gorgeous all the time and I felt like there was no way I could ever keep up. There was also a lot going on at home at this time and I just felt like my whole world was a mess. I was such a Tom Boy for so many of my younger years that I wasn't even sure how to be a girly girl. I decided that I might be happier if I was a little thinner, so day by day I started to eat less and less. I would literally go days with only having a few snacks. Maybe a granola bar or some string cheese. Then there were the days that I would only have water and zero calorie drink mix. Needless to say I did start loosing weight. Then there were days where I would just eat a little of my dinner and tell my mom I had eaten before, or I would eat an entire meal and feel so guilty about it the rest of the night. I felt so disappointed in myself for eating. I can remember one specific time in ninth grade where I stepped on the scale over and over in the locker room in shock that I had somehow gone from 89lbs to 90lbs. I literally went home and cried about how fat I felt. My geometery teacher would always tell me I looked skinnier everyday, and that I was wasting away. Comments like that made me feel so good about myself. One girl in that same class mentioned to me after our lesson that she didn't think I was that skinny, and I couldn't stop playing it over and over in my head.
One night my parents sat me down on our couch and told me that a few individuals had come forward and mentioned that they were worried about my eating habits. They wouldn't actually tell me how many. To this day I have no idea who those people were. I would like to take a moment to say thank you. I truly believe that this person or these people really did love and care about me as a person. I can only imagine how sick I could have been if they had not said something to my parents. For all I know they may have really saved my life. So, whoever you are, I hope you know that I am so grateful for you. If I ever got the chance to know who you were I would probably just hold you and cry for a few minutes. You have no idea how much you changed my life for the better. You are a hero. I'm sure you have a much larger purpose in life than helping me fight that battle, but to me you may have been the only reason I could.
My parents sat with me for hours and I refused to admit to anything they had heard. When they realized I was not going to listen my dad told me that there were people who loved me at school that were going to be watching me, and that they would be watching me at home. After that I slowly started eating little by little until by the time I was in high school I was eating without a thought of what it would do to my body. It's weird to look back at this time and realize that I had an eating disorder. Calling it an eating disorder just makes it seem so much more real to me, and until now I have never once referred to it as that to an other person.
With all that history behind me I am so happy to know that I am not in a place like that with my body now. I'm so thankful for wonderful parents who took the time to sit down and talk with me even when there was so much going on, and made sure I was healthy even when I believed I didn't need them. I'm thankful for a stranger, or friend who spoke up to protect me from myself, and my have saved me from years and years of harming myself. I am so thankful for siblings that love me regardless of what I look like. I am thankful for friends who let me go to them when I feel like my world is getting to be a little to crazy and out of control. I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who tells me every single day that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and looks at me with the sweetest eyes so I can almost feel him say it. I am so thankful for a heavenly father who was there for me when I was to blind to see I was worth this chance at life.
Yes I hate the little bumps and lumps, the extra fat that came when I got hips, and the little double chin I see sometimes, but I'm so far from where I once was. I know that being 5' 6'' and 124lbs does not make me an obese whale. I know that having some body fat is normal, and that being 19% body fat is normal for a girl. I'm trying the best I can to try and keep myself healthy. I have made a new plan to eat small portions of my favorite foods and to stay more active. I know I may never love the way my body looks, but I know staying healthy about my goals will allow me to feel so much more accomplished at the end of the day.
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